I Am…..

When I first decided to write a blog, I thought I would enjoy writing and sharing with people I may never meet in person. I was excited at the thought—reality set when I had to create the about me section. I suddenly felt vulnerable and scared. Who am I? I can be hurt, judged, and rejected if I share all about myself. The same fears that have followed me through life were there whispering—reminding me of all the things I am not—reminding me of all my flaws that others will see. I stared at the page for about half an hour battling with myself over these simple two words: I am. They became bigger and scarier the more I focused on them. Not only did I want to hide some of who I am, but I also tried to make the other part sound better. I had to finally step away and retreat from the internal battle and watch a mindless television show to calm myself. I try to avoid my struggles because they are uncomfortable and scary. I safely avoided myself for 30 minutes and was right back where I started. Alone with myself. I’m not a very good friend and tend to be critical, so I avoid it as much as possible. The thoughts continued to plague me, so I decided this wasn’t worth it and was going to delete and give up on the entire blog. After congratulating myself for successfully dodging what I assumed would be a disaster, I felt empty and sad. The relief wore off, and I felt the desire to share. As embarrassing as this is to admit, this is the point where I finally asked God about it. Once I reached the end of myself and my knowledge, I turned to Him. He, of course, welcomes me with no judgment. Why do I always try in my power first? I can’t seem to master the lesson of relying on Him and His strength. After several conversations between My Father and me, I am writing this first blog post. I am battling the thoughts that try to stop me and scare me. I can't be sure I will hit publish, but if I do, I am thankful you have read this far. I feel as if I am a nobody with nothing to say that people will want to hear. Then I hear the thought, I do. God values all my thoughts and ideas. So this blog is dedicated to Him, and I ask that He humbly uses these inadequate words to impact someone somehow. I am honored that you are here, and I pray that we can all grow to be people who stop fearing and start living. God, not humans, defines success.

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